The silence between the notes

I haven’t posted any of my writings in nearly a year because I haven’t felt like I had time to revise and edit and do them justice. But today’s funny little post is funny…and little…and time sensitive to today’s date, so I figured I might as well get it up here either way.  By now, you probably know that crazy dreams are a nightly adventure for me. Well, amidst last night’s nightmares, there was one quirky plot that actually turned out to be surprisingly thought provoking.   It started out with an unlikely family trip—me, my sisters Megan and Kasey (who lives in DC), and my parents (who really don’t “take trips” anymore)—somewhere in a far off campsite or recreational area of Washington.   Four of us had been ready to leave for a few hours but Megan had supposedly been hanging out by herself for a while and wasn’t answering her phone. We were getting sunburned and cranky while waiting for her to come back so I went to track her down. Turns out, among othe...

Here I am again, after months of writing things and not posting them. I have in fact had a lot on my mind. (Those of you who know me personally are not at all shocked, I'm sure, but maybe someone out there doesn't yet realize that, so I felt it was fair to say.) But my whole life, I've done this thing where I have too much to say so I say nothing for a while while it bubbles up inside...then I try saying something and it all comes whipping out like a hurricane of nonsense...so then I go back to bottling it up and stating my need for "processing time." Guess that's what's been happening with my sporadic posting for the last few years too. Who would have guessed? Then there's this other thing I do when I don't know what to say--I obsess over a song, poem, essay, etc. in which someone else said what I couldn't. So to that end, I'm directing you to a few two articles by a cause that I admire very much: To Write Love on Her Arms. If you haven...

I haven't written anything here in a long time. Well, I haven't *finalized* anything here in a long time anyway.  I have plenty of half-drafts tucked away behind the scenes. But I haven't had enough time to fully explain and revise anything lately...And honestly, it seems like I haven't had enough time to accomplish anything in life up to my standards lately, so writing something here certainly wasn't a priority.  But today, I heard a message that was so short and simple that I knew I had time to reiterate it. And more importantly, I knew I *needed* to share it. If any of you are wrestling with these same struggles lately, I hope this 5 minute post will uplift and redirect you (as it hopefully will do for me too)!  *********************************** Many of us have figured out how to live successfully behind the facade of "I'm all good, I've got it all figured out." But this is a terribly stressful way to live, and it still does...

Five suicides in the last six months, 2 of them from the school where I teach. Another from the university where I am an adjunct. I still don't know if I can find the right words to express my personal feelings or my deep condolences after these tragedies but this article convinced me that I must at least say something.  http://m.spokesman.com/stories/2015/may/12/five-teen-suicides-have-left-whole-community/ In addition to summarizing this tragic year, the article states that " Suicide is part of the culture our kids are growing up in" and that  recent suicide prevention sessions have found that adults aren't comfortable discussing suicide. I'll admit I'm not comfortable right now...but i f we don't break through our comfort zones to discuss it, then who's going to help our students through it? And let's not kid ourselves, depression and suicide plague many adults too.  Who's going to help our adult friends through it when their adolescent nigh...

Do not think too  highly...or too lowly...of yourself. No matter how broken you are--and we are ALL broken--you are loved and valued by Christ. These ideas struck me during today's sermon on the book of Romans, and I connected them with my recent attempts to reconcile our world's views on self-image and value.  I wish more people could manage to love and value each other *despite* our brokenness. Instead, some people act like their own value is increased by finding or judging others' faults, while some act like love means never acknowledging the faults of those around us. But I think we need to be willing to see those faults--in our friends, family members, employees, students, and ourselves--and then we need to help them see how very loved they still are *despite* those shortcomings. This is how we build trust as a unified body and how we inspire growth as a source of encouragement.  I don't want friends, family, employers, students, dancers who ignore my f...

"People might not remember exactly what you said or what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel." Today, I'm just dwelling on this thought.  Dwelling on the thought that our words and even our actions can be so futile sometimes.  On the thought that we leave an emotional imprint on the people in our lives--and for better or worse, that emotional imprint is not likely to be changed by any subsequent words or actions.  On the thought that they leave those imprints on us too--and for better or worse, our  emotions might not be easily changed by their words or actions either. As a teacher and coach, this is reminds me to carefully cultivate my classroom's atmosphere: How can I help my students to feel safe, seen, and valued? How can I help them to find feelings of inspiration, confidence, and motivation? As a friend, sister, wife, and daughter, this reminds me to sincerely consider the way that my emotions impact my relationships: Have I fill...

It might seem improbable that an English teacher would ever be at a loss for words.  But it happens more often than you might think.  When I'm so proud of my kiddos that I find myself repeating the same compliment over and over.  When I'm so nervous about an unpredictable event that I just speak in broken phrases with no apparent syntactical connection.  And when I'm so brokenhearted that I just don't know how to begin. Since my spoken words are failing me right now, I'll try to write.  Sadly, I don't turn to prayer or scripture as easily as I should in these moments of silence.  Most often, I just sort of swim in my own thoughts for a while--pondering the "he said...she said...what if...then that..." possibilities a dozen more times.  But even in stunned silence, I still trust that I can find an opportunity to grow, so I am trying to turn to prayer more wholeheartedly tonight.  And ironically, I find that even my prayers are sort of lacking wor...

It can be uncomfortable to have our eyes "opened" to certain subjects in life. It can be even more unpleasant to have them opened for a second or third time. Today was a great day for that, a painfully wonderful day, an emotionally and spiritually challenging day. Today I listened to stories of pain and passion around me and I felt my own eyes hold back tears. Again. I've felt this sympathy before, stemming from similar pains and passions in the lives of my students and my colleagues. But every time I hear their stories, I feel like I'm more aware than before, and more defeated. And it leaves me wondering: Why do we often fail so miserably at loving people? We all know what it's like to feel undervalued, unnoticed, or unworthy. But why do we so rarely break the cycle? Even if we don't feel loved by others, we can still show them the love we know they need! Love is still a wonderful thing, even when it only goes in one direction.

I shared these thoughts with our FCA students this week. I hope it inspires them, and I hope I can live up to my own ideals. I believe we are called to demonstrate a Love that is greater than our own human nature can supply. *********************************************************************** One of my favorite quotes about being a Christian: “As a Christian, the greatest influence you can have on those around you is…just not be a jerk.” (Sean Lumsden, Living Hope Church ☺) *But then again, any non-Christian can also “not be a jerk.” So what would make me different? God’s love v. man’s love *Unless I pursue God and truly understand his love, I can only love out of my own human capacity. Since humans fail, my love will also inevitably fail. Sadly, sometimes my love will…be impatient, envious, proud, snippy, selfish, feel like giving up on someone, lose hope. *What does 1 Cor 13:1-7 say about God’s love in the face of those failures? If I speak in the tongue of m...

Just three hours ago, I got my first tattoo! A symbolic image of a dancer and a cross blended together. Actually, I’m surprised at how much of a jerk the tattoo artist was about my so-called “abstract” design. And if I weren’t so determined to have it done today, I probably would have taken my “anatomically impossible” design to someone who was more open-minded…But that hasn’t dissuaded me from planning out my second tat! My next idea is inspired by the organization called “To Write Love on her Arms.” Like my first tattoo (Yay!), this one will also be a blended image: a cross with the word “love” scrolling down the center beam. I love the symbolism of my new design. I love that it references TWOLA organization and the victims my heart goes out to. And I love that the word “love” can mean so much more than just caring for others in need. A quick Internet search showed these common connotations of the word “love”: adoration, brotherly love, compassion, deep appreciation, i...

I’ve recently decided that this is one of my favorite holiday phrases: it provides the cliché ambiguity I need to communicate a variety of ideas and that same ambiguity allows the recipients of the phrase to interpret my ideas however they see fit. After someone (No names, please!) has eaten too many pieces of mint fudge, “’tis the season” acknowledges the humor of gorging ourselves on holiday treats. After an act of kindness to a hurting stranger, “’tis the season” serves as a word of encouragement. But I often find myself trapped behind my favorite holiday phrase: in my attempt to be politically correct, I allow people to interpret “’tis the season” as they wish, not as I fully intend. I wish I could emphasize to everyone that “the season” is really THE season. I wish I could use it to declare the Love of the CHRISTmas season! Sure, the winter holidays each have their advantages (Thanksgiving turkey and potatoes, Christmas fudge and Rudolph, New Year’s resolutions made...